


dollhouse

by mrspotatohead



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Anxiety, Crying, Depressing, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Panic Attacks, Parent-Child Relationship, Phan Comfort, Phanfiction, Protective Phil, Protectiveness, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, YouTube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 13:38:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6008401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrspotatohead/pseuds/mrspotatohead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>dan's parents are fighting, again.</p><p> </p><p>(mentions of abuse.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	dollhouse

To anyone else, Dan Howell would have looked perfectly fine - albeit a little windswept, but fine nonetheless. 

However, when Phil Lester opened his apartment door at 10pm on a Friday night, and his eyes met the dark familiar maze that was Dan's distracted gaze, his heart stuttered in his chest, for more reasons than one.

The younger boy was pale, the veins in his neck visible like blue water under a sheet of white ice. His hair - which usually lay perfectly over his forehead in a dark brown curtain was pushed back, revealing a forehead which gleamed with sweat. And despite the fact that Phil noticed this within the first moment that he saw his friend, the small and desperate smile on the other boy's face told him to drop it, immediately. Whatever was bothering Dan, Phil knew if he pushed it, it wouldn't end well. He just knew, because that was how Dan was, and that was okay.  

"Come in," Phil found his voice, smiling back as he turned and walked into his living room, Dan just behind him. "I wasn't expecting you today, I thought you had loads of work to catch up on?"

"Oh, yeah I - Well, I did. But I finished it," Dan's reply was a stuttering mess, and alarm bells went off in Phil's head once more. They both missed a beat, the only sound the blaring voices of the television in the background. Phil studied him for a few quiet seconds, and then repressed a sigh, fighting the urge to turn into a therapist and ask Dan what was going on in his head.  

"Oh, right, well sit down, we can order food and catch up on American Horror Story if you want," Phil suggested lightly, keeping his voice casual and soft. Dan smiled again with a nod, and it was almost unsettling how uncomfortable and forced it looked on his face.  

By the time the pizza arrived, Dan was gnawing at his knuckles and rapidly bouncing his knee up and down, up and down, up and down. He was totally relentless - but Phil bit his tongue. It was fine, Dan would be alright. He was probably just stressed with essays and deadlines and all the reasons Phil decided not to go to college.

They were two episodes into the latest season of American Horror Story, but Phil got the feeling that Dan hadn't really been paying attention to it. He didn't mind much, but it was unnerving to say the least, since they'd both agreed it was an awesome show.

"You going to eat some or what?" He asked when he was on his second slice of food and Dan hadn't even had a bite, even though it was his all time favorite. The other boy didn't reply, his eyes focused on something that Phil obviously couldn't see, his brow furrowed deeply in distress. He looked like he had the weight of the whole universe resting on his shoulders, and Phil felt his heart clench at the sight of it. 

"Dan?" He prompted, an eyebrow raised quizzically. 

"What?" He was quiet, and as if he'd been pulled out of a trance, his eyes snapped towards Phil's in one rather swift movement. Though their eyes were locked for a conflicting second, dark copper meeting glacial periwinkle, Phil felt as if Dan was simply looking _through_ him rather than _at_ him. 

"I said are you going to eat some or what?" Phil was slightly put out by the way Dan was acting - it wasn't like he was just in a bad mood or something, it was like he was a totally different person. It was like he wasn't even present and to be honest, it was quite disconcerting.  

"Oh, right, sorry - um," Again with the stuttering, Phil noted as he watched Dan reach out for a slice of the pizza, which was probably a bit cold at that point. As another episode of the show began, Dan stared limply at the food in his hands, his teeth chewing at the skin on his lower lip. He took a minuscule bite, and then set it down as if he was full. 

"Thanks for getting the food, Phil, you really didn't have to," His voice was scratchy and raw, and before Phil had the chance to reply he continued, "It's my favorite, as well, I hope it didn't cost too much. You know, I'll pay you back when I've got the money. I feel like you're always the one that gets the food, it should be my turn by now," Dan paused his manic ramble, a high pitched and obviously fake  _ha ha ha_  laugh escaping his mouth, which he then clamped shut tightly.

"You know I'll pay you back," He repeated again dejectedly after a short silence, his eyes trained onto his knees, his hands folded in his lap - they were shaking.  

"Dan - what's -" Phil didn't get the chance to finish his question, because the younger boy stood up quickly, his movements stiff and wooden.  

"Can I use your bathroom?" It came out like a question even though Dan knew Phil wouldn't object, and he didn't. He just nodded slightly and the other boy left the room like he was in a hurry, shaking his head and stumbling slightly in his haste. 

And it was when Dan hadn't returned after twenty minutes that Phil started to regret ignoring his friends distressed state. As he glanced around the room, at the left over pizza slices and paused TV, Phil started to feel the sensation of worry blossom in his chest and nestle deep in his stomach. Something was obviously the matter - but with Dan it was usually best to not ask him about personal things unless he himself brought it up. However, he usually trusted Phil with all of his worries and woes and problems, never once had he been so upset and not revealed the reason behind it. The thought of it made the hairs on Phil's neck stand up, his jaw clench and his mind buzz with anxiety. 

He jumped off the couch and approached the bathroom door, hesitating for only a moment before knocking twice. The floor creaked behind the wall, and Phil felt a slight jolt of relief - at least Dan was okay in there. He didn't want to consider the alternative but the thought had been niggling and itching the back of his mind.

"Dan?" Phil's voice was just louder than a whisper.

"Yeah?" Dan's voice cracked painfully during the second part of the word. 

"What's - Are you okay?" Phil muttered, trying not to scare the younger boy into silence. He didn't really know what to say, he didn't even know what the problem was - but he wished more than anything that he did so he could fix it for his friend. 

"It's fine, everything's okay," Dan dodged the question, and Phil had to strain to hear him from the corridor. 

"I didn't ask if everything was okay, Dan, I asked if _you_ were okay. Look, can you open the door, please?" He didn't want to resort to begging but he would if he had to. When nothing happened, the older boy sighed and tried to ignore the pang of hurt in his chest as he glared at the blank, white bathroom door in frustration. 

"Please, Dan? It's just me, it's just Phil," And with that small, hushed sentence, the bathroom door unlocked seconds later with a dull click and Phil saw Dan sitting on the cold tiled flooring, his eyes subdued and almost childlike in their innocence. The older boy simply walked in, unquestioningly, and sat down by his companion without a second thought. 

After a long, deafeningly mute silence, Dan turned his head to face Phil, and the expression on his young face was so distraught that it sent a chill over the other boys entire body. In the fluorescent light of the bathroom, Dan was all sharp cheekbones and dangerously pale skin and tired eyes, and Phil felt his heart crack at the sight. 

"It's happening _again,_ " was all he said at first, and his tone was so desperate, and Phil realized how badly the teenager wanted to be understood. The words were vague and Phil was worried that if he asked Dan to elaborate he might be shut out again, but he didn't know what else to do. He just wanted his best friend to be okay - or better than that; happy. 

"What is?" Phil rested his hand on his shoulder gently, shocked at how Dan ceased up at his touch. 

"It's _him_ \- and it's my mum, and my fucking brother, Phil, my brother's only fourteen," Dan eyes glistened over, glassy and so inky you could barely tell where the iris ended and the pupil began. And then, the younger boy took a deep breath and shook his head softly, letting the tears spill down his cheeks.

"I don't know what to do; it's the screaming I hate the most. When he's had a few beers and she's stressed from work, and they shout the worst things at each other. They shout about me, about my brother, about money, about _anything_ and it's so loud I can't even hear myself think. For hours and hours, I can't do anything but listen to it. And everybody thinks we're so perfect, and such a close, happy family and we're - well, we're not," He sniffed, leaning back slightly against the bathroom wall. 

"Oh, god, Dan - " Phil felt his lungs constrict, he could barely breathe with the revelation, "and they know that you're home, but they just scream at each other anyways?" 

"Almost every night. And I try to stop them, you have to believe me, but - " and then Dan wouldn't talk again, drawing his knees to his chest and staring blankly at nothing. It was as if a switch had gone off behind his eyes, he just closed in on himself as if he feared he'd said too much. 

"But what, Dan? You can tell me, I only want to help," Phil paused, "I'm your best friend. Aren't I?"

"Yeah," Dan blinked harshly, "but you can't help me with this. It's just something that happens, alright?" 

" _Just something that happens_? Dan, it's not fair on you, your brother - they're grown adults and they shouldn't be involving you in this! I can't believe they -" But Dan cut his friend off, shaking his head hopelessly. 

"I can't stop it, I just, I really can't," The younger boy sounded weak, almost fragile as he spoke.

"You said you tried to stop them, before - it didn't work or something?" Phil asked, both curious and scared of what the answer would be. But Dan just looked at him, his eyes blank yet intense, his cheeks flushed with a sharp pink hue. 

"No. No, it didn't work." His tone was clipped, as he turned his head away and glanced back down at the flooring.

"They just kept arguing with you right there?" Phil finally pushed for answers, because he needed to do something other than disregard the situation completely. Dan pressed his lips together, lifting his hand to wipe some hair out of his face, and that's when Phil froze in disturbance as his eyes focused on Dan's arm, and everything began to make a fucked up kind of sense.

A deep purple bruise imprinted near his best friend's wrist, as if someone had grabbed him and refused to let go.  

"What the fuck is that?" He tried to keep his voice leveled, but the fact that he swore grabbed Dan's attention instantly. He followed his friend's gaze and when he realized what had happened, he yanked down his sleeve as if he was ashamed and embarrassed, shaking his head as if he knew something Phil didn't.  

"Nothing. No, listen to me, Phil -" Dan looked the other boy right in his eyes, "it's nothing. I just - I got in the way, alright? I shouldn't have. It was, just, it was my fault, okay?" 

"Are you actually hearing yourself right now, Dan? It was _him_ , wasn't it? I've never liked that fucking stepdad of yours, I _knew_ he was a dick, but god I didn't think he'd do this," Phil was trying extremely hard to refrain from yelling, but his insides were boiling with an inexplicable anger, a burning poisonous hatred.  

"But it _was_ my fault, Phil, you have to believe me! He was _drunk_ , I know better than to get in his way when he's drunk. I was just trying to stop him because - he was saying all this stuff about me, you know, because of the way I am, and -" Dan was despairing, almost frantic as he tried to make sense of things. 

"Because of the way you are? What does that mean?" 

"You _know_ , because I'm clumsy and I'm bad at school and I always leave my room in a mess, and I'm - I'm," he was crying again, his chest heaving with great sobs, "I'm a _faggot_ , and I'm not good enough, and shit, I can't breathe," Dan was gasping, his eyes met Phil's in sudden panic. The older boy felt the anger drain out of him as he got on his knees in front of his friend, his voice softer than before, tender and loving.

"Hey, hey you're okay, Dan. You're fine, it's just me, Phil, and you're okay. Breathe for me, right now. Just take some nice, deep breaths. It's just us, nobody else is here, and you're safe. You're safe with me," He was gentle as he cupped Dan's face, counting breaths and whispering motivational quips until Dan wasn't almost hyperventilating anymore, which took a while.

They looked at each other, and Dan opened his mouth, but before he had a chance to try and apologize like Phil knew he would, the older boy pulled him into a bone crushing hug, as if he was actually afraid to let him go, as if needed him as much as he needed to breathe.

"I don't want to hear you say anything like that about yourself again, alright?" Phil insisted, his arms wrapped around Dan's waist.

"Okay," The younger boy agreed quietly.

"You're staying here tonight, Dan," Phil whispered, before kissing his best friend (in the whole world) on his cheekbone softly, before the other boy melted into his arms, savoring the safety which Phil provided him with.

And, in that moment, they both felt like things were going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> yooooo  
> so anyways  
> this is what i did with my valentines day lmao  
> i love writing about these two  
> sorry it's so angsty but yeah  
> your reviews and kudos mean the world!!!  
> enjoy.


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